Unforgettable

After a month and a half of dating in the real world, or lack thereof, I caved and I am back to the online world. Although trying to date offline was an interesting experiment, it seems that the only way to get a date is through my phone.

So, operation swipe, is on. Three days of a lot of left swiping and I got to the end of Tinder. After running out of swipes and suffering a mild carpal tunnel, I have only 14 matches. Quality over quantity... right?

A couple monosyllabic conversations later and I am having good case of deja vu.

So, in a moment of weakness I decide to download Grindr.

It seems that a month off the apps is like five years in the dating app world because I was approached by the exact same guys that had approached me before I deleted the app. The same guys whose conversation went nowhere and who I never met. Apparently Gay Amnesia is a thing because none of them remember talking to me before.

The thing is. I never forget a face. A name yes. A face? Never.

Five Deja Vus in. I start chatting with another guy who I had already chatted before and who's gAy-DD (Gay Attention Deficit Disorder) had left me in mid conversation a couple of months before.

Apparently, the grass was greener on my turf this time as he was really chatty and actually kind of charming. After texting for a couple of days about everything from politics to food to music, he decided to ask me for a drink. He was great and charming on text so I say yes.

I am all about good vibes and chemistry but I have never heard of dating fang shui. Apparently it is a thing, as my date decided to change our seats not once but three times because he was not feeling the fang shui . The first time the table was too small, the second time seats were not comfy and the third time it was the lighting and the ice machine at the bar.

We ended up sitting at the bar. Where I am told that the bartender at this bar is a genius. He was actually very run of the mill and super cranky.

My date then decides to have what seems like a ten minute conversation about his drink with the bartender. Followed by another five minutes of looking at the bartender making his drink. So far, we haven't gone beyond small talk so I seek refuge in the menu.

Reluctant to order any food and not inspired by both the menu or the conversation. I am told by my date to order something. "Order food" he says. "You should order an app" he insists. Order taken.

After a clunky conversation about our careers. He decides to tell me that I look like a drug lord. I guess that's the equivalent of telling me I am a masculine or butch. Given the circumstances I take the compliment.

The food arrives and I am again told to eat. This time off his plate. He insists that I must eat some of the shrimps in the dish he ordered.  Then a long debate ensues about what one of the ingredients in the dish was. It was an olive but my date insisted it was fish delicately cut into a small circle. I insist it is an olive. He insists it is fish. I say olive. He asks the bartender. The bartender says dryly "It is an olive".

This was the highlight of the night.

Once the debate is done, I got to know a little more about my date as he goes full charming and tells me he is a lone wolf with not a lot of friends. He was working hard selling himself and I was working hard trying to find a way to go home. The check comes and I decide that I want to walk home but so does he.

I wish I could say this is when I ran away to seek refuge but things became evern more bizarre as my date went apeshit and started blabbing like 2 year old the moment he saw a dog on the street. He then gave me the saddest tour of the city when he pointed out all the places that he goes to, alone, by choice.

We say goodbye and I am left with high hopes of hitting my head and getting good case of gay amnesia.

Rasing the Bar

Going off the dating apps means that you need to make a extra effort to put yourself in a social situation where you could possible meet someone. Well, what better place than a bar. A gay bar.

Now, it is important to clarify that I am not one to go to a club or a gay bar.  Not beyond the once in a while occasion when my friends have a birthday or the bestie wants to go dancing or I am in the mood.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

First Attempt - Solo

One Saturday night I braved it up and went to the village's gay pub/club. But first I shower and re-iron one of my shirts. First impression are important, right?

Gussied up and ready to mingle I arrived. I make sure to first buy some Japanese liquid courage before I do my first walk through. What followed felt more like walking through my high school hallways and less me trying to find someone to connect with. Enter second beer.

After a couple of awkward glances and what seemed  like an almost conversation, I purchased my third beer. Less face it, liquid courage is a necessity for survival in these cases. Another walk through puts me in the awkward situation of seeing one of the guys I went on a date with months before. Yes, the guy next door who you want to stay behind that door. After an awkward mouthing of "how are yous?" I go to the bar to purchase my fourth and final beer.

Forty five minutes into my first attempt at going solo to a bar I decide to leave. Bloated, kinda drunk and dateless but proud that at least I tried.

#socialmediacleanse

Last week I decided to erase all my dating apps and go on a social media cleanse. The days of swiping are over. The rush of getting a match has been replaced by the excitement to prove myself that I can still find a date the old fashioned way.

So hold on to your hipster toques and inside scarves cause I am ready to engage the world beyond my iPhone's screen.

The Gay Christmas 

Depends who you ask. Pride is basically the gay Christmas. (for others it is halloween, the Tony Awards or any red carpet)

Pride started as march to protest for respect, for rights and acceptance. The years have passed. People now can get "gay married" and Pride is now a celebration brought to you by all our favourite brands.
I am not going to delve into the politics of Pride and what it means, no worries.

This year I decided to attend Pride, first time as a single man. I mean, what better way to access others "like" me than a party that celebrates people "like" me.

Well. Not so much.

Glittered beards and rainbows aside. The block party I joined was basically a high school dance attended  by 200 versions of what seemed like the same guy: "The shirtless muscled meat head douche". Like good mammals, they all hung out within their pack of other shirtless muscled meat heads and didn't relate to any one beyond their group. Mix that with a DJ that played music that could only be dance with what I call " Instagram Boomerang" moves and you have a recipe for ...not love.

The only three people that seemed interested in engaging any other humans were:  the nicest but terrible at math drink ticket seller, the guy that sold me a delicious mini "pride sausage" pizza and a crazy European lady that looked like a real housewive on E.

Thank God for my two friends.

It seems I will have to wait to the real Christmas to get a present.


F is for Flirting 

Part of my new approach to dating is to try to engage people in any situation that could lead me to a smile, conversation or exchanging of phone numbers.

So, it is time to un-dust my good ol' gaydar and put it to work.

This week I tried public transportation.

Armed with a big smile, one spray of cologne and a flirty attitude I took on my work route crowd.

Monday
I tried the "I am shy but interesting as I am obviously listening to a hilarious podcast and laughing out loud approach". Epic fail. All I got was dirty looks.

Tueday
I tried the "I am super smart and reading the New York times Editorial section approach". Mild fail.
No dirty looks. Not looks at all.

Wednesday
I tried the "I am wearing sunglasses and drinking an iced americano so don't talk to me cause I am to cool for school approach". Too cool for school indeed.

Thursday
I was running late so I guess I tried the "fuck i am going to be late to work approach". I got a mild sneer.

Friday
I tried a simple "smile" approach. Small victory. I got two smiles back.

I guess we all have to begin somewhere.