Knot for me

After taking a break from the apps for a couple of weeks. I decided to brave it and create a profile on Scruff. An app for guys looking for guys that have a beard, a moustache or simply are on the hairy side of things.

I first did some research to see what people were writing on their profiles. I saw everything from a list of please don't talk to me if (some people are very picky and just plain racist) to really long novels about everything they like...everything!

I decided to go with a short but concise list of things I like. If they care to know more they will ask, right?

Not long after setting up my profile, I got my first woof. A woof is the app's version of a Facebook like or the ubiquitous swipe right. Yay. I am woofy....to someone....3,235miles away! Where is that? The Seychelle Islands?

A couple of conversations that-did-not-go-anywhere after I got a message from a very cute 24 year old. Here is the thing, we all have a cut off age for dating. (it is your age divided by half plus seven) Mine is 25. This rule is there for a reason but when someone tells you "you are totally my type" you sometimes make exceptions. Who wouldn't? Rules are there for a reason.

What followed was as a very aggressive pursuit from the young lad. Two drink invites and a picture of his bum and I was still on the fence.  Here is the thing, people love to send pictures of their appendages, of themselves naked or partly naked. I personally do not get it. If you want to see me naked you have to at least buy me a drink, at least. So, I don't do nudes....ever. Gotta leave something to the imagination.

After a very uninteresting conversation about quinoa salad I got the third invite. I finally decided to say yes. We then set a date and place.

I usually try to be on time for dates but for this one I was early and I got to sit in a patio and wait for ten minutes. Drink in hand of course. He was ten minutes late. Arrived in a bike and looked nothing like his pictures. Way younger, way skinnier and not as masculine as he aggressively portrayed himself over his messages.

My question is. Who starts a date by saying "you have resting sad face, I almost did not park my bike and kept driving" Even if I have a resting sad face, which I do not, you don't break the ice with that line.

What followed was typical twenty four year cockery or millenialisms. "I am great at this, and awesome at that."  "I hate my job and my bosses do not give me an opportunity to grow". What else did I expect from someone in their twenties?

What I did not expect was when he got all fifty shades of gay on me and asked me if liked to by tied up. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I was asked that on a first date. He kind of allured to his kinks over the messages we exchanged but I thought he was just being flirty. This guy went full on Christian Grey on me and described what he would like to do with me, on our first date.

All I could think was. "Too soon and NO GRACIAS!"

The good thing about millennials is that they have a short span of attention and he decided to end the date after the conversation went boring when I declined his offer to tie me down, no pun intended here.

We said goodbye and went on with our day. I then asked myself, how did I get roped into this date?

He texted the next day. A picture of his quinoa salad. Why? I do not know.

I did not hear from him until two weeks after when he texted me again to ask me if I wanted to share a bottle of chardonnay with him. Followed by "Can't wait to tie you up". Apparently he had a great time on our first date.

I did not, plus I do not like chardonnay.

Fish and Chips

Ok, Cupid. I will give you a chance.

Famous last words.

Of all the apps OkCupid was the one that tickled my romantic fancy the most.  You create a profile, answer a bunch of questions and can see how much of a match you are with the guy that you might be interested. Amazing, right? Not so much.

After spending a good afternoon creating the most clever and charming profile ever written and answering questions that ranged from "What is your preferred cuddling position?" to "How do you feel about zoos?",  I decided to go live.

Ten minutes passed and nothing. An hour. Three hours. Was my profile not cute enough? Did I come across like a douche? A buzzing. My first message. From Russia! A guy that look neither like a man or a woman whose introductory line was "You are the sexiest man I have ever seen, lets get to know each other". DELETE.

My phone vibrates again to tell me I have another message. This one is from a very old man with an obvious lazy eye. From Chicago. He writes: "you are so sexy, if you are ever in Chicago give me a call". Mmm... No!

So far. I am international sensation.

One thing you need to know is that I am not the most patient person. So after three days and two random messages I was ready to give up. That was until a gorgeous salt and pepper blue eyed american messaged me.

"You seem like an awesome guy. Would love to get to know you. Text me at ***-**** ***"

I mean. Why not?  We are a 73% match and he lives in Buffalo, which is only an hour away. Now, I was not born yesterday. So, I was going to go into this one with a bit of cynicism. Not sharing too much. Nothing beyond, I like movies and books and all that stuff.

Lets just say. He was not one to share a lot. The son of a famous British architect. Owner of a wildlife documentary shooting company. Self described as shy and just out of the closet at thirty one.

First alarm bell. When I asked for more picture (common practice in the online dating business), he said he did not want to send more. Why? because, he does not want people to....ahem...play with themselves while looking at his picture. WTF?

Second alarm bell. He said he was shooting a documentary in Canada. About wolverines. When I asked where. Got no answer. A light googleing told me wolverines are not quite common in Canada.

Third alarm bell. The app said he was from Buffalo. He said he lived in New York. Brooklyn to be exact. When I asked what was his favourite restaurant. He said. "There are too many!"
Come on. Even I have a favourite restaurant in NYC and I live in Toronto.

Now, after three alarms I decided to continue the texting just for the fun of it. A good distraction. Fully knowing this was not going to go anywhere.

Fourth alarm. For a week. I got the same text at the exact same time saying "Hey handsome. how's your day?" When asked how was his or starting another line of conversation I would get "I am really stressed at work, can't talk". Quite a charmer, this blue eyed man.

Fifth alarm. He got clingy. Even though he had no idea who I was or knew nothing beyond my favourite movie and what book I was reading he started to say that he was falling for me. As if. I mean I am great and all, but come on. I live in another country and he lives in New York. New York!!!!!

Sixth alarm and the 911 call.  Tired of the clinginess and lack of sharing I told him. "Either you share something or I will stop answering the texts". Oh boy. What followed was a whole day of freak out texting about how a crew he had in Nigeria got robbed. (First time he mentioned about having a crew in Nigeria by the way) My answer. "Hope you had insurance" and "Call your embassy".

Ladies and Gentlemen. If you did not guess it before. I was being catfished. I kind of suspected all along but kept it going. After several texts he finally got to the point. He said he had no money and that the robbing in Nigeria will put him and his company in a precarious position (said the guy with a house in Brooklyn) and that he needed $380 dollars to bring his people back from Africa.

I laughed and texted back. "If you are going to put all this effort into trying to catfish me, at least ask for $1000... $380 Canadian are about $250 American by the way." Needless to say. What followed was a lot of expletives from his side and me patting myself in the back for having known what was happening the whole time.

The big lesson here is. If a really really hot guy from another country tells you are sexy, it is probably a catfisher. Also, check your phone plan. I thought I had international unlimited texting. I did not.
A hundred and fifty five dollars and a bruised ego later I can laugh about it.

Chicken Soup for the Sole

Sometimes life takes funny turns. Sometimes they come when you least expect it.
So here I am. Back in the dating pool after many years of being in the comfy cocoon of a long term relationship. To my surprise, things have changed a lot in the dating world in the last ten years. So much, that I am navigating a whole new world.

First lesson.

Nobody meets in person anymore. It is all about the apps.
Oh the sweet world of online dating. where you can get away with being a dick and showing your dick. (we will get to that later) Now, there is a lot of pros and cons to online dating. Big pro. You get the strain-out the weirdos. Big Con. There is a lot of them.

Deciding what app you want to use is all about what approach you want to have to dating. As I couldn't decide, I dowloaded three apps. OkCupid. Grindr and Scruff.

Second Lesson

The picture, the picture....the picture! Trying to find a photo that says you are handsome, fun, in good shape, kinda sexy but in an accessible masculine way that you want to introduce to your mom is nearly impossible. Two months into this dating business and I am still trying to find that picture. In the meantime I seize every opportunity for a perfect picture.

Third Lesson

Have a degree in marketing, you will need it. Selling a product is way easier that trying to sell yourself. You have to be part mysterious, part charming, part party-guy, part introspective hipster.
When in doubt, give your profile to your friends. They will tell you if you are off mark.

Fourth Lesson
Expect nothing.  Really. Go into it with nothing but a sense of adventure and a good sense of humour.