Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Knot for me

After taking a break from the apps for a couple of weeks. I decided to brave it and create a profile on Scruff. An app for guys looking for guys that have a beard, a moustache or simply are on the hairy side of things.

I first did some research to see what people were writing on their profiles. I saw everything from a list of please don't talk to me if (some people are very picky and just plain racist) to really long novels about everything they like...everything!

I decided to go with a short but concise list of things I like. If they care to know more they will ask, right?

Not long after setting up my profile, I got my first woof. A woof is the app's version of a Facebook like or the ubiquitous swipe right. Yay. I am woofy....to someone....3,235miles away! Where is that? The Seychelle Islands?

A couple of conversations that-did-not-go-anywhere after I got a message from a very cute 24 year old. Here is the thing, we all have a cut off age for dating. (it is your age divided by half plus seven) Mine is 25. This rule is there for a reason but when someone tells you "you are totally my type" you sometimes make exceptions. Who wouldn't? Rules are there for a reason.

What followed was as a very aggressive pursuit from the young lad. Two drink invites and a picture of his bum and I was still on the fence.  Here is the thing, people love to send pictures of their appendages, of themselves naked or partly naked. I personally do not get it. If you want to see me naked you have to at least buy me a drink, at least. So, I don't do nudes....ever. Gotta leave something to the imagination.

After a very uninteresting conversation about quinoa salad I got the third invite. I finally decided to say yes. We then set a date and place.

I usually try to be on time for dates but for this one I was early and I got to sit in a patio and wait for ten minutes. Drink in hand of course. He was ten minutes late. Arrived in a bike and looked nothing like his pictures. Way younger, way skinnier and not as masculine as he aggressively portrayed himself over his messages.

My question is. Who starts a date by saying "you have resting sad face, I almost did not park my bike and kept driving" Even if I have a resting sad face, which I do not, you don't break the ice with that line.

What followed was typical twenty four year cockery or millenialisms. "I am great at this, and awesome at that."  "I hate my job and my bosses do not give me an opportunity to grow". What else did I expect from someone in their twenties?

What I did not expect was when he got all fifty shades of gay on me and asked me if liked to by tied up. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I was asked that on a first date. He kind of allured to his kinks over the messages we exchanged but I thought he was just being flirty. This guy went full on Christian Grey on me and described what he would like to do with me, on our first date.

All I could think was. "Too soon and NO GRACIAS!"

The good thing about millennials is that they have a short span of attention and he decided to end the date after the conversation went boring when I declined his offer to tie me down, no pun intended here.

We said goodbye and went on with our day. I then asked myself, how did I get roped into this date?

He texted the next day. A picture of his quinoa salad. Why? I do not know.

I did not hear from him until two weeks after when he texted me again to ask me if I wanted to share a bottle of chardonnay with him. Followed by "Can't wait to tie you up". Apparently he had a great time on our first date.

I did not, plus I do not like chardonnay.

1 comment:

  1. Jesus Christ! It's "50 Shades of Quinoa"!
    What is going on in the dating world???