Wednesday 16 November 2016

Everybody deserves a shot


The thing about dating via your phone is that you have to be ready to go on a date pretty much at any time. I always try to have a list of places to go in different parts of town just in case I ever have impromptu dates.

Good thing I do.

Sometimes when you least expect it one of the five conversations you have on the go in your apps actually turns out to be a winner. It suddenly goes from monosyllabic to clever banter to flirty emojis in a span of two hours and sooner than later you are sneaking out for a "convo" break at work.

Now, I am not one to go on impromptu dates but when an gentleman from down under gets all my jokes, I gotta ask him out for a drink and what better option than the local speakeasy.

After setting up a meeting point and realizing that I seem to have a thing for dates with guys with accents we go on our way to the bar. The bar is in a basement, it feels like something that you would see in New York. It's cool vibes meets a wall of booze.

Before we take a sit, a young Scottish bartender lets us know that we can only sit at the bar as there will be a speed dating event happening and all the other seats in the premises will be taken. I take this with a sign of relief. If my date goes terrible it wont be as awkward as what is about to happen.

The crowd starts to arrive and it is a mix of desperate and nervous. I am in confidence heaven. My date is chatty, charming and we seem to be hitting it off.

That is until the Scottish bartender interrupts us to chat about the random people he deals with every day. At first I am annoyed but then I get into it. This guy has stories for days and both me and my date seem to enjoy the break from you know, breaking the ice. Apparently the Scottish bartender thinks we are cool as he decides to give us a free round of tequila shots.

The speed dating on the other hand is not going well. A guy keeps coming to the bar to get refills of beer. The men are all standing by themselves awkwardly. The women are chatting in groups. Me and my date are laughing and sharing stories.

A new bartender arrives. Her name: Katrina. Another charmer. She does the best Mexican accent and apparently has lived in Australia. She decides to pour us a shot of whiskey. Which makes the Scottish bartender jealous and decides to join for another round of shots, so he "does not feel left out". I like this place.

Three shots and a couple of drinks after. I am still talking to my date. We have gone from getting to know each other to now making fun of each other. Judging by how no one from the speed dating left together. We have already won.

Scottish bartender tells us that we are soon going to be joined by a group of ballerinas and bellerinos (as he likes to call them) from the National Ballet of Canada. Just cause my date hadn't been random enough. This is when I learn that my date does ballet as a workout. Good to know.

An array of beautiful women and really tall sculpted men arrive.

Katrina brings me a beer and my date, a wine....That we did not order. Courtesy of the principal dancer from the National Ballet of Canada. What? He decides to join us for quick and awkward convo. Which is followed by me and my date exchanging funny glances and laughing.

After chatting with some of the other dancers and meeting someone I went to school with ten years ago and getting Katrina's phone number while still chatting with my date, we decided to call it a day. That's when the manager brings us another round of shots because "We have been there all night and we are fun."

My date is wasted. I am not. I walk him to the subway. We say goodbye.

I think I like impromptu dates.






Friday 11 November 2016

It's all phoney


Who needs a matchmaker when you have a smart phone.

Our phones are now our gate to dating. Our own personal encyclopedia. Our shield from weirdos. Our wingman.

When dating through an app we can use our phones to hide. To be assholes. To pretend to be the best version of ourselves. We can be anyone. A blessing and a curse. A double edge sword.

I have been guilty of all of the above. I use the fact that I am not in front of my possible date as an opportunity to impress. I have been known to google obscure facts about Korea or rewrite a text four times in an effort to be super witty and impress whoever is on the other side. I also have at times not answer to a sweet message from someone that is not my type.

Let's be honest, Who doesn't love to be able to block the riff raff. Avoid those we don't like. We can't do this in real life but we can do it over the phone.

It is all sweet and dandy until you have to actually go on a date with someone and be yourself. Never a problem for me but certainly a problem for my first Tinder match. We are going to call him H.

H's Pre-Date Personality Over Text
Great pictures. Super cute. A fashionista who loves his family and likes to flirt. Very chatty. Clever at times but mostly sweet. Very into telling me how handsome I am and how much he wants to meet me.

H's Post-Text Personality During the Date
He is wearing jogging pants. Takes me to a coffee shop because "Why going for a drink at a bar? it's not like we are going to marry or something". Looks at his phone literally the whole time. When he is not looking at his phone he talks about his ex and how much he misses him. Gets teary. Goes to the bathroom three times.

When I ask him "Why did you make me come all this way for a date if you are not really into it?" He says "Because I wanted to meet you".

I miss my phone. I want to hide behind it.

Enter OkCupid Date with L

L's Pre-Date Personality Over Text
Nice pictures. Guy next door with an edge. Witty. Super clever. Hilarious. Gets my obscure pop references and is very forward and flirty.

L's Post-Text Personality During the Date
Does not look like his pictures. More of a guy next door who you want to stay behind that door. Although the wit is still there, it is of the obnoxious kind. Very on. Very loud. Still very funny. Constantly talks about his job at a bank as if it is the equivalent of volunteer work in the third world. One of those dates that you are entertained but don't know what to do if you should stay and have drink or go home.

I guess the next time I will go to the bathroom and text him so I can engage his phone personality.




Thursday 3 November 2016

Sleepy and Hollow

When all else fails. Join another app.

Enter Grindr. The land of headless torsos (maybe Ichabod Crane is real after all), silent bobs and the proverbial dick pic.

Back in my non-single days I remember reading about how Grindr changed dating for the gays. Well, so far it has not done anything for me. Grindr is like a dive bar where not a lot of dancing is happening. Nobody has a face and barely anyone talks.

Funny thing is, once you are in more than one app you start to see the regulars. You know, like that guy at the Starbucks in the corner of your street who likes a triple shot americano or that lady you always see on your way to work. But here it is the same smiley guy you are not interested in talking to.

What is funny about online dating is that people's personalities change depending on what app their are using. Romantic on OkCupid. Sarcastic on Scruff. Asshole on Grindr.  This is my non-scientific assessment.

Just for the record. I am pretty much the same in all of them. Jaded with a side of fun and a sprinkle of sarcasm. Moms love me.

My first Grindr interaction has pretty much set up every single one after that:


Headless torso with perfect abs: "Sup"
Me: "Hey, how are you?"
Headless torso with perfect abs: "Fine"
Me: "Do you happen to have a face?"
Headless torso with perfect abs - (dick pic)
Me: (block button)

-----

Cutie with blue eyes: "Hey handsome"
Me: "Hello!"
Cutie with blue eyes: "Do you have another picture?"
Me: "yes" (I send a smiley yet mysterious picture of myself)
Cutie with blue eyes: "Another one?"
Me: (I send one of me being funny dancing with a Beyonce cutout at a grocery store)
Cutie with blue eyes:"....but do you have one of you naked" (such a charmer he is)
Me: I dont do nudes
Cutie: (blocks me)

--------

RandomPairOfLegs: (dick pic)
                                  (dick pic)
                                  (dick pic)
Me: (block button)

And the list goes on and on and on. Sometimes instead of dick pics they send bums. I actually prefer a bum pic. But if I had to choose I pick a decent conversation.

Now. There is always exceptions. Enter classical pianist with a PHD. Great smile. Okay manners. Good banter. We basically talk about everything from Trump and the american election, his love for baroque music, to the best Indian food in Toronto. We exchange pictures. Lots of flirting.

Three hours later. We are still messaging. So far so good. I ask him for his number. He says he is not a texter. So I say let's  go for a drink the next day. He says yes but might have to see his family. "Stay tune. Will confirm with you tomorrow" her says. Next day. I log on. He has blocked me.

Whatever you are asking yourself right now?.... I already did.